How to be a Perfect Parent; Perfection in Parenting in 3 Tips!

Welcome to the topic of Perfect Parenting. Cue the inspirational music, picturesque social media content, and compliments from strangers about how “good” your children are. Most likely you clicked on this article because you are feeling a bit stuck in parenting. You might also be feeling shame, guilt, or regret when you think about your parenting habits. I am here to tell you the good news, which also may feel like bad news. There is no such thing as a “perfect” parent. While it will be nearly impossible to attain the “perfect parent” merit badge, I do have 3 things you can do that will bring you closer to your ideal parenting self. If you want to learn more about where parenting and perfectionism intersect, keep reading. If you’d like to just know about the 3 action items, that will be at the end of this article.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the desire to do things exactly the correct way. People who struggle with perfectionism can feel as though they are never good enough, can struggle to start tasks because they are afraid of what could go wrong, and can be very hard on themselves when they make mistakes. Perfectionism can be a symptom of larger anxiety issues, trauma responses, and socialized pressures to perform in a specific way. If you are reading this and feel like you can explain perfectionism to anyone, you know the work involved in unlearning perfectionistic thoughts can be tough. I recommend reaching out to a qualified mental health practitioner if you feel you cannot break the perfectionism cycle on your own.

Social Expectations

There is a common narrative in our society that parents need to be perfect. This idea of perfectionism in parenting can come from many different places. Think back to your own childhood. What were your parents or caregivers like? What kind of environment did they create for you? What was your caregivers’ generations idea for the “perfect” parent? Often, our culture is going to dictate what is “perfect.” There are a couple of myths that need to be busted when we think about what society expects from us as parents.

Myth #1: To be good parents, we must NEVER make mistakes.

One of my most beloved book series has this phrase that I use both with my clients in the therapy space and my children, “Never is a long time.” Spending our time focusing on never making a mistake in parenting is a stressful way to exist. Striving to never make a mistake can lead to spirals of guilt and shame that we are “bad” parents since we did not get things right the first time.

When we become parents or caregivers, we are not given a “how-to” guide for our children. Sure, there are about a million books, blog posts, and articles about parenting but nothing specific to your child. Even when you have more than 1 child, the same things that worked with your first may not work for the others and visa versa. To expect you will never make a mistake on your very first try with something is not only unbelievably unfair, but it also creates unnecessary pain and suffering.

We are human beings who need to learn how to do things. Sure, parenting gets easier and you begin to make very educated guesses about what your children need and how we can respond to them, but even then, you are drawing on your personal experiences with that specific child.

Mistakes will happen; it’s what we do with our mistakes that makes the difference. When we choose to connect with our kids over the mistakes, take ownership of what is ours, and release what is not ours then we can truly start to be OK with the mistakes we do make. In therapy, I often challenge my clients to see their “mistakes” from a more curious perspective. This challenges the narrative that mistakes are “bad” and places a neutral tone with them.

Myth #2: Perfect parents raise perfect children.

Wow, this is such a loaded statement. Unfortunately, it’s something I hear a lot in the therapy space. This idea that “children can be perfect, if only their parents are” just sets unrealistic expectations for both kids and their adults. What does a perfect child look like? From a developmental lens, the “perfect child” differs depending on their age. For an infant, the perfect child cries and screams whenever they need anything. This could be food, warmth, or comfort. For toddlers and little kids, this can look like saying no to any and all requests. For teenagers, this looks like risk taking behaviors.

Raising children is not always an easy task. If you or your child experiences any mental health or neurodivergence, it is especially difficult. Individuals with mental health concerns or with neurodivergent brain types have additional social pressures to look and behave in a certain way. When we place expectations on parents to raise perfect children, we are trying to place how others act within our own control. This will most likely be a losing battle and lead to broken relationships.

In therapy, I work with my clients to have realistic expectations of how their children will be. I also work with clients to have realistic expectations for themselves. I use compassion and neutrality to bring parents and caregivers to expectations that are not only realistic but also attainable.

Three Tips to Being the Parent or Caregiver your Child Needs:

We have all the information now. We know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We know where perfectionism comes from and how it can impact our lives and the lives of our children. We know about a few myths that have led to the social narrative of the “perfect parent.” We know that person only exists in fictional stories, whether it is in popular media or social media feeds.

Instead of striving to be the “perfect parent,” aim for being the parent your kiddo needs. Who is that person? Here are three tips you can use to show up for your child the way they want and need.

1. Practice self-compassion. This is my number one tip when trying to combat the perfect parent narrative. Self-compassion leaves room for all emotions to be experienced. It brings you closer to neutrality that’s needed when mistakes are made. It will also allow you to have compassion for your child(ren) when they make mistakes. If you practice having compassion when you make a mistake, you are showing your kids that mistakes happen, and they are not the end of the world. This can help to combat any perfectionistic tendencies that may arise in your children.

2. Practice acceptance that you will not always get it right. When you accept that “perfect” is not attainable and that you will make mistakes, it makes making the mistakes lower stakes. Acceptance brings peace. There are things in parenting we do not have control over. The sooner we can accept that you will not be a perfect parent, the sooner you can look to the mistakes as learning opportunities.

3. Release shame and guilt around not being perfect. In therapy, I describe shame as “I am bad” and guilt as “I did something bad.” Unless you have irreparably harmed your child (abuse/neglect), most likely the mistake you made will not ruin your kid(s). When we experience the emotions of shame and guilt (which are natural emotions and part of the human experience), if we hold those emotions in, they will fester and turn into something worse. They can lead to low self-esteem and poor self-image.

   
   

If any of these tips feel like they are too big or complicated to work through on your own (and you live in Tennessee or Minnesota), complete the contact form here to see if therapy with me is the next right step!