Stressed and Under Duress: Dysregulation and it's Role in Parenting
Imagine this: you are sitting at your kitchen table in the morning. It's fall, the sun is just starting to rise. You have a hot cup of coffee or tea in your hand and you are scrolling through your favorite apps and websites. The morning is quite, peaceful, serene. Then your 2 year old busts out of their room with their dirty diaper in one hand (that they miraculously ripped off by themselves because their older sibling is learning how to use the potty by themselves) and a marker in the other, screaming they are hungry and want to eat RIGHT NOW. Your toddler is definitely experiencing dysregulation and as the parent, you are responsible for them in this moment.
Now, most parents have an instant reaction to this. We go from "calm, cool, and collected" to "stressed and under duress" in about 5 seconds. Even just typing this out has increased my heart rate in remembrance of my children's own golden years of toddlerhood independence. My heart beat increasing and my frustration mounting at a beautiful fall morning being halted by a screaming toddler is a sign that I may be becoming dysregulated.
Dysregulation: What is it?
To be "dysregulated" simply means to be out of sync with your natural rhythms. This can be based in emotions, the body, or the mind. Dysregulation can occur for multiple different reasons. In the example above, some parents may respond to their 2 year old with their own level of dysregulation. This could look like yelling or dropping their hot coffee or just shutting down and not responding to their child at all.
Often, when I hear people talking about dysregulation they are usually referring to children. Adults rarely think about their own state as being "dysregulated." There are plenty of times when we can become dysregulated and it is acceptable. Some one cuts you off in traffic. Or you stub your big toe on your couch for the third time that day. Or when you get an email from your boss asking you to re-do a report with new information on an even stricter deadline than the first time (ask me how I know).
Dysregulation: Why do we experience it?
Most people actively work towards feeling comfortable and avoiding feeling uncomfortable. This is probably an obvious statement to you, which is great. But I really want you to think about what this means. Experiencing dysregulation is uncomfortable, so most people are going to actively avoid doing or engaging in things that make them feel dysregulated.
Like all uncomfortable things, dysregulation tells us there is some kind of "issue" in our body or feelings. The word issue is broad for a reason. Different people will be dysregulated for different issues; it is unfair to compare ourselves to others in this regard (and in most aspects too).
How to be Dysregulated (and not feel like you are losing your sanity)
Experiencing dysregulation is not necessarily a bad thing. As identified above, dysregulation only means we are out of sync with our natural rhythms. That being said, why then do people shy away from dysregulation? Well, it comes down to how we express that dysregulation. My goal is to normalize dysregulation instead of make it the villain.
Social rules generally expect that people are in control of their emotions. When a person is feeling an uncomfortable emotion and is experiencing dysregulation, it is socially acceptable to hold that emotion in and not show you are upset. While yelling profanities and flipping the bird are socially unacceptable behaviors. Gender and cultural norms can also have an impact on what is considered acceptable behavior for dysregulation. When societal rules and our physical bodies are at odds, how do we proceed?
Step 1: Recognize you are dysregulated.
This is key to making sure you can manage your dysregulation. If you are unaware of your dysregulation, there is nothing you can do about it.
Some times, this means being aware of what often makes you feel dysregulated prior to any incidents. If you know that having a serene morning interrupted by a demanding 2 year old causes you to feel dysregulated, that is good information to have.
The key here is awareness, not shame or judgement.
Step 2: Take a BIG, DEEP breath.
In my experience, people are quick to dismiss deep breathing as a helpful skill. This often comes down to feeling like the BIG feelings we have cannot possibly be regulated by a small act such as taking a deep breath.
Deep breathing is like turning the switch on and off in your nervous system. It is a reset. It gives the brain and body time to connect to each other and talk before we respond in situations where we feel dysregulated.
The moment a trigger to dysregulation occurs, take a deep breath. Take several deep breaths if you are able.
The more you do this, the easier it will be.
Step 3: Get curious. Ask yourself the following:
Where is this feeling coming from?
What do I need right now?
Does it make sense for me to be feeling this right now?
Can I withstand the emotions I am feeling now or do I need more coping skills?
Step 4: Follow through.
Take this time to meet your needs.
This could be the need for more time, coping skills, space, or whatever. There are probably no right or wrong answers.
Please note, there is no place where you need to judge or shame yourself for the emotions you are feeling.
Being a parent means that you are not only responsible for your own emotions and dysregulation, you are also responsible for showing your children how to experience their emotions and dysregulation. Children will do what you do, not what you say. If you want your kiddos to regulate their emotions, it all starts with how you regulate yours.
There may be times when you feel like the steps outlined above are not enough or you have tried them and need more support. In those moments, let's connect and see if therapy is the right fit for you! Since 2017 I have been providing therapy to children, adolescents, and their parents to help manage dysregulation. Therapy can be a great space to help bring awareness and practical, personalized solutions for you.
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